It’s another Friday and another chance to dive in with the writers who meet up at Kate Motaung’s blog Heading Home to join in for an abandoned and unedited five minutes of writing. Writing to see where it goes with no limits other than 1..2..3..4..5. It’s pretty sweet and I am so blessed to be a part of it. This is my third week. I should add that I began doing Five Minute Friday’s a few years ago, but I never was able to commit to a long run. This is my first year at Kate’s and I am standing firm in my resolve to jump in weekly.
I’d like to invite you to join along. You can link up here or even journal along. Give it a shot!
Today’s prompt is – CONTROL (Did anyone else hear some old school Janet Jackson?)
Kind of menacing right? Not Janet…just the word.
Sometimes you just don’t know what to write. First let me just say that anyone who knows me would not say that I suffer from control or control issues. That is unless the definition of control has changed to “complete and utter chaos as witnessed by Kelly Blackwell’s automobile interior.” Sorry. It is just a fact. But there was a time when control took hold of me and held me like a vice.
When I think of the word control, I am thrown back to my childhood, teendom and early college. I spent many years struggling with anorexia, and for a long time everyone said it was all about control. I can’t say exactly how it started. I remember being surrounded by adults on diets. I remember having my first Diet 7 Up and my friend let me tell you…this was back when Diet ANYTHING did not taste amazing! They didn’t have artificial sweeteners that actually tasted good even if not exactly like sugar. Back in the day it was all about saccharine and it was not a treat. It was a test of fortitude.
My aunt who happened to be one of the coolest people I know, and still is for that matter, was always on a diet and drank Diet 7-Up, Tab, Diet Rite and Fresca. Of course I wanted to be cool, so I began taking little sips of these beverages. They were not tasty, BUT I felt very grown up. I recall being about 10 years old. I think it started at just that. This desire to be a grown up.
As I grew older, it became my distinction and perhaps a source of pride when I could eat a baked potato with nothing on it but pepper, and diet sodas may have tasted gross to my friends, but I could handle it. In high school my life was uprooted, and I was moved from California to Rhode Island. I slowed down on the diet beverages because I lived with my brother and sister-in-law, but I began to do weird things to my food like adding hot sauce to everything because I wanted it to speed up my metabolism. I also worked out as much as possible. I also realized I could so something none of the women in my family really could, I could beat cravings into the ground. I also impressed all my relatives with my push ups, sit-ups, and body whittling tricks. Control? I don’t know. Maybe a little.
In college, everything went haywire. The rituals really took over. I would get a large SOLO cup and one snack bag of Doritos from the college cafeteria. I’d fill the cup with ice water and bring it back to the office where I was a student worker. I would then proceed to eat one Dorito and drink the entire glass of water. Once I was finished with the water I would go back for a refill and then allow myself another Dorito. Eventually it was the water first and then the chip. That is just one of the quirks I had. I could go on and on.
Yes, for me and my anorexia, control became an issue. It wasn’t about me controlling my environment. Food and my body was not the only thing I could control in my chaotic life. Anorexia itself controlled me. Food controlled me. Opinion controlled me. Pride controlled me. I controlled nothing.
Still don’t, actually. But the good news is, I don’t have to control anything. God is in control. I can let go and let God. I can release control over to the one who can handle it far better than I.
I can now hold tight to Philippians 4:6-7
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all [a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Hey thanks so much for stopping by. And I am saying that to every lovely writer who stops by here and all those spammers who currently are my biggest fans. xoxo